I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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