I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
