I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We are all done wearing pants today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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