Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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