my phone needs a breathalizer
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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