1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
