Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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