ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
