The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
