I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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