Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
