Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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