I should be sponsored by Trojan
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
