so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
