note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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