weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
