We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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