ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
