You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just had sex bonerless
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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