So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
