We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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