4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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