im having a threesome with these popsicles
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
last night I used snow as a chaser
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