Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
