i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
