Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
