Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
