Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
