Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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