Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
