You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
