I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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