I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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