there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
