it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
