You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
