so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
