There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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