We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You can't just leave with hair like that
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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