This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
