people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
