dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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