...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
