My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Alive.
So much puke
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
