i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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