Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
