What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
