Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
