Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
