so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
