Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
