He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
