After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
