Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
