You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
God I need to hump something, right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
