In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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