I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
