Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
