Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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