I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
