Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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